The year was 1974. I was 18. Before my first husband (M. B.) and I were even married, we were attracted to a group of Christians in the San Diego, California (actually Lakeside, which is east of there) area. They were a tight knit group, with a lot of love for each other. They got M. a job, found us housing, and invited us to lots of get-togethers. We had such wonderful times fellowshipping with them! When we got married, they sang at our wedding.
Before long, we stopped visiting any other churches, and were attending their services exclusively. We were led to believe they weren’t an organized denomination, but. They claimed to be above all that, and believed they’d received special revelation from God about “coming out” from the “Babylon church”. As a young, zealous Christian, I was particularly attracted by their deep passion and the whole-hearted dedication to reading the Bible and prayer.
This group, Lakeside Tabernacle as they called themselves, met together each Sunday afternoon for church in a country home with a very large living room. The meetings lasted for 3-4 hours. We fasted –mandatory- on Tuesdays and Thursdays. We met on Monday and Wednesday evenings for Bible Study. We met on Friday evenings for witnessing in the parks and shopping centers. We met for prayer on Saturday.
The group began to grow. From about 30 when we started, it soon reached 100, then 150 then 200. Obviously, the living room was too small. We purchased a large “revival tent” by selling personal items and donating the proceeds to the group. There was great pressure put upon us to “help with the Work”.
More and more, we felt that we were against the organized church. We. Had. The. TRUTH. We had prophecies about the End Times. We revered our leaders, who had direct revelation from God about things past, present and future. Some people were told who to marry. Some were told to stop seeing their non-member families. Some were told to move in together and share housing. All were told how much money to give.
We moved into a communal house with two single guys and a separated woman and her children. Soon, we were told to move up into the mountains to R. to “start a work”. We moved in there with two other families and a different divorced woman with her two kids. It was there that I found out I was expecting my first child.
And, it was there that I began to sense that things were getting out of hand. When I thought of bringing my baby into that household, I felt scared. We were being controlled. We had no say in our finances, and the “time off” we had was so limited, we couldn’t develop any interests. Besides, more and more, everything outside the church was considered “worldly” and “satanic”.
My whole world had shrunk to Lakeside Tabernacle.
One day, when the leader of the household was gone, the rest of us packed everything we could in a panic and moved out. We returned to the body of church members down in San Diego (Lakeside). The main leader sanctioned it. She seemed to understand that the leader up there was letting the power go to her head.
Shortly after R. was born, we got the news that we were being sent to M. CA to help start another new work. We were brought aside and told that the husband of the leader up there (I know, LOTS of women leaders!) had recently been arrested for picking up a hitchhiker and engaging in a sexual crime, but that were we NOT to tell anyone, or think any less of him. It was our duty to “cover” him, in love. More doubts set in, but we had been taught not to question, so I pushed it down.
When we moved to M., I felt so alone and terrified. Being so close to leadership (she was one of the top leaders) was different than I imagined it would be. She was (literally) crazy. She was doing unethical things and asking us to lie for her, “as unto the Lord”. I was considered her “maidservant”. M. worked with her husband (who’d been arrested) and he saw many things as well.
About four months after we moved to M., the infamous Jonestown occurred. You may not know of it, but it shocked the WORLD. And, it shocked me because I saw so many similarities with Lakeside Tabernacle.
M., for quite some time, had been saying that we needed to disassociate ourselves from this group. I could never entertain the idea. “Didn’t they say that if we had doubts, it was Satan? Weren’t we the privileged ones, the ones who had the present-day truth? If we left, wouldn’t we be giving into the Babylon Church, and turning our back on the possibility of becoming manifested sons of God? If we left, what would happen to all our friends? Wouldn’t we cause them doubts, too? Would they still have anything to do with us? (not likely) How could we ever live with our conscience, knowing we couldn’t live up to the Call?” And on and on. And on.
My head swirled with doubts, agony and fear. But, when Jonestown happened, it became clear that this group had the potential for the same end. We decided to leave.
I had a nervous breakdown. I sat in my closet and screamed and shook and even blacked out sometimes from hyperventilating. I’m guessing I was in there for 2-3 hours. All those horrible doubts assaulted me. Yet, something inside me KNEW that the doubts were the lies. I was so tired of being controlled. I was heavy-hearted all the time. I was tired of lying for someone else. I was tired of the endless meetings. I wanted to take baby R. for walks and enjoy the fresh air. I wanted to be able to feel like an adult and a mommy and a human being again. Even so, I sobbed for days, so great was the tug-of-war in my emotions.
It took a long time to climb out of the black hole we’d gotten into. But, over time, it happened. I continued to read my Bible and pray. I continually fought back the “what if they are right and I’m wrong?” thoughts. I felt guilty for turning my back on The. Truth. Some days, I wasn’t sure Who it was I really prayed to. But, in my mind, He began to line up with His Word. And I began to see Him differently than the way He’d been presented to me by Lakeside Tabernacle. I began to bask in His sweet freedom. But, I won’t lie to you, it took a long time. I had many, many other things that had to be worked out in my life, such as why I was drawn into the group in the first place. It was very painful to look at myself honestly. But, God has allowed me to persevere.
Lakeside Tabernacle was, in the classic sense, a Cult. (Their teachings misrepresented Christian theology. We couldn’t think and study for ourselves. We had to rely on the group's leader for all of our instruction. They claimed to interpret the Bible correctly, but their biblical interpretation did not stand up under close examination. Members of the group were subject to psychological, or physical harm, and spiritual harm. There was intimidation and deception within the group and toward outsiders. The members were thought-manipulated. There was secrecy.)
And, when a person tries to leave a cult, it is VERY difficult to turn off the doubts. It’s much easier to continue in the group, rather than face the wrenching involved in removing oneself from the hold they have on you. You can feel that you are looking over a precipice, and are falling into your death.
You may have walked into the cult with your eyes wide open under your own willpower, but the Almighty God, the One, the Only Eternal God will carry you out. Trust Him. Fall into His arms. Keep your eyes on His. Look deep into His Word and believe.
~Judi
“Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30
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